Pen and Paper

a merciless education (Nov. 2011)

She began speaking
and mistaking her conversation
or monologue as it were
as being directed towards me
I gave my attention and listed.

After a few sentenses it seemed less like address
and more as a self affirmation
of the situation for which she was encountering
with a college professor.

See, equipt with the wrong information
she emailed her assignment
due today at noon
to an incorrect mailbox.
Upon registering her aberration
she back tracked
contacting her professor
inquiring whether she could be permitted
to resubmit her assignment
regardless of points being subtracted
from what might have been her well earned grade.

She explained herself fully
expressing acknoledgement and responsibility for her actions.
Yet he said
no
not caring how much effort she put into making things right
not caring that since she hasn't means to sit comfortably at home
she uses the libray and restricted to their hours and her own.

Was it right?
I can't see how.

What ever happened to
giving people the benefit of doubt?
No one is perfect
we're all human subject to any kind of missed step.

But seeing as I know not of what may have transpired
prior to this pivotal moment
like the others around who might have heard
one can only speculate.

another hell (Nov 2011)

push
push back the ache of agony
calling on the pain
only to remember that you live
if on e could call
this
living at all
push forward
keep going
keep going until lies
memorized by restless practice
begin ringing true
until there's no more youth
strong bone turns dust
and pray
pray that in this process of pursecusion
you've been the best you could manage
and it was enough
enough not to be damned to another hell

When feeling utterly alone
It's hard to believe in
The light
That can't be seen
Wondering if your eyes will ever
See what your heart keeps singing with your soul
But love....
Love comes with a price
For which no amount of money or materials can satisfy.
It is a challenge that only the strong in spirit can withstand.

Again

Here I am
Where I once was not too long ago
Completely convinced, of course
This wouldn't happen
Again
No, not again
No, not the hurt and ache
from before
Only worse
Cuz this wound cuts deep
With this one
No, not the used up dirty secret
from before
Only worse
Cuz this time the secret
Was kept from me
And again
Here I am
Muddling through
What I was made to believe
Was true
and the nicest thing
I can say or do is
Nothing
Cuz at this point
All of everything I say
Comes from a place of
Pain and anger
And for once I don't want
to deal with any of it
I don't want to
discuss
disect
rationalize
Or be fed anymore of your
Excuse cased lies
Cuz I'm full
So full in fact
My gut might burst
If I swallow any more
Mistake your empty words
For something more
Cuz I deserve better
Hell so do you
So, I decided to be the best
Me I could be
Leading by example
But my ample expression
of my feelings for you
Just ain't good enough
Cuz as usual
I'm being used
Again
I'm only a stand in
Until that fair maiden
Who does damsel in distress
Better than I can
comes around
Ah don't look at me in a frown
And sorrily attempt to
convince me with your
empty words
low calorie promises of
bullshit
you never intended to deliver
So I was never in danger to receive
Not a nothing
Not a thing
Yet knowing all of this
I stand
Where I once was not too long ago
internally wondering how things
got this low
And how I seemed to have lost myself
Settling for less
Maybe it is my fauld cuz I should have
listened from the get go
when you first told me I was too good for you.
Damn right
Cuz who else would effortlessly wash
the dirty draws that just happened to make it
Into my dirty clothes hamper
None other than me
Cuz I mistakenly whole heartedly knew
For me you would do the same
This mess is insane
Cuz I wasn't the one who broke your heart
but you crushed mine just the same
And I will never be that imaginary
individual you're seeking
And it has me thinking
about whether this was your plan from the beginning
Whether you and the last
Teamed up
Making me the guinie pig
Of your experiement
But then maybe that's only hurt speaking.
Cuz it's amazing the things the mind
can drum up when the heart hurts
and the soul is aching

More Than....(2009-)

This is a song that I was working on with someone else. Not quite finished but at some point I'm sure it'll get finished.

I can be more than
What's in front of you
And I realize that
I'm not what you're used to
I accept your past lives
And welcomed you into mine
Wasn't looking for eternity,
Hoping we can spend some time

Looking, searching, hoping that one you'll be
More than just a friend and complete me

I know
     I could fulfill your heart's desires
     I could be the everything you need
Please don't be afraid to walk this journey with me

I know
     I could fulfill your heart's desires
     I could be the everything you need
Please don't be afraid to walk this journey with me

Some days will be trying
You might feel the need to leave
You might think I'm undeserving
But please, don't give up on me

I'd like here by my side
Through the good, bad, and ugly times
Reminding me these dark days
Won't be here for always

Looking, searching, hoping that one you'll be
More than just a friend and complete me

I know
     I could fulfill your heart's desires
     I could be the everything you need
Please don't be afraid to walk this journey with me

I know
     I could fulfill your heart's desires
     I could be the everything you need
Please don't be afraid to walk this journey with me

5 word challenge: holy, heart, missed, ticked, sauna.

Oh holy heart
guide me in a righteous direction
let me not be missed
by opportunity
let me not have ticked off
the seconds, the minutes of time
in vain, despite the sauna affect
she has when she comes around.

untitled (jan 2010)

of the many words I could choose
there are none I can find
that would justly
give the appearance that I am more confident
than I actually feel
and for what ever reason
I can hardly make it passed
the awkward "hello" or "good morning"
even though I am over thinking this
and am quite aware
I struggle with the task of moving beyond this point
even when certain opportunities present themselves
I'm not crazy
well at least I have yet to be certified
but I can't help how my curiosity
and admiration grows
and as much as I want to investigate
all my wonders and curiosities
concerning you
I'm a hell of a lot better
at standing still than moving a head
which only makes me wonder
what could I possibly have to offer you?
I'm not your typical anything
I'm not the world's typical anything
sorrily attempting to get through this life
as happy as possible
however I'm makeing it impossible to do so
so, now what?
and at this point does it matter?
am I right to believe that you're out of my league
or worse yet
another version of a sorrowful ending?
or am I getting way ahead of myself?
have I snuffed out the beginning of what could be
A beautiftul drama free friendship?
or will I never allow myself again to evolve with another?
to possibly gain a better understanding of myself?
or will I stop looking at the over grown road
and actually start walking it?
I really hope
I've not missed out.
And that at some point
I'll be caught off guard, in a good way
in that I might forget myself for several moments
and not choke
often I wonder why I'm much better
at certain things than others
having a friend in the same situation
I'd be the number one cheerleader giving suggestions
yet for myself I never can quite remember
the advice I had once given.
It's like my mind shuts off
my mouth might be moving
but no sound comes out
and the embarrassment of going through all that
knowing something like this
could sway your perception of me
stuns me silent
several seconds too long to take advantage
of various openings
and why is it I worry?
heaven only knows....

that girl (Sept. 2009)

I love you
is vastly different than
I like you
but she'll take
what ever she can get
because all the rules were explained
and she admitted she understood
because she didn't want to be
that girl
you know the one
that over does it
suffixing the one her heart has
unwillingly attached itself to
she didn't want to be
that girl
whose insides are shattered
while on the outside
she perfects the act of denial
she didn't want to be that masochistic martyr
staring the pain in the face, living with it
and feasting on her grief
she didn't want to be
that girl
yet ironically she was
attempting to extract nutrition
from emptiness cast on
what seemed like the beginning of
a beautiful love affair.

Unfinished (Sept. 2009)

Ours is an unfinished song
With the melody perfectly laid
Capturing all our excitement of what's to come next
But you play the same thing one too many times
And the melody begins to loose it's initial magic
Becoming stale and boring, lame even
And hell we can't even decide on the bridge

So, ours is an unfinished song
Haven't quite locked in the drums
Or tampered too much with the colors
Been messing around with the bass
But nothing's as consistent as the melody
Of you and me

Ours is an unfinished song
Cataloging our mountainous highs
And valley lows
Rushing to an all too soon end,
Like rivers to the ocean
And so, this is it
And I, I systematically cut the ties that bind
Coming to terms with our unfinished business
Still reflecting fondly on our memories
Each time I hear that melody
That now doesn’t sound as sweet as it once did

Because ours is an unfinished song.

5 word challenge: sunrise, justice, work, searching, adore.

It doesn't matter how hard I work
I gets no justice
If only she knew I adore
the sunrise in her eyes or how
I've been searching for a way to be better
I figured maybe then
she'd realize I'm the same now
as when I met her.
Only with a couple of new changes
and a few new things,  rearranges
I'm still that woman interested in life
I'm still that artist combating strife
And I'm still trying to help out those I can
And who deserve it.
She deserves it, but doesn't think she's worth it
well that's how she presents herself
Or maybe it's me all hyped up on senses.
Can't help it.
She affects me, more than she'll know
More than I initially realized
And more than I'll probably ever admit
I swear sometimes I think I'd have a easier time
walking on eggshells.